So as I’m sitting here browsing through Facebook and having already scrolled through endless memes and adverts on Instagram, it strikes me that there is an ever-growing dissatisfaction unfolding in my already addled mind. Example: an advert for Volks, one of my favourite places to get down n’ dirty to DnB.. “oooh I’d like to go to that”; a local business I support via a ‘like’ is showcasing a new sewing machine “oooh sewing machine, I wish I used mine more, I’ll get it out later and see if I can remember how to use it”; another course by one of my favourites Gabor Maté “oooooooooooo I’d really like to do that”, I start wishing I had finished all of his half-read books that I already own… all of this actually fosters a building sense of anxiety and overwhelm. The inner critic quietly judging and counting on her nasty little fingers, the amounts of times she has heard all of this before. And still, nothing is done. I have such a long list of things ‘to do’ on my whiteboard all with little boxes, eagerly waiting to be ticked. Very few get ticked. The list gets rewritten in various places time and time again. Each time, another sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach reminding me of how I still haven’t fixed this, painted that or finished studying overdue course modules.
My mental experience of this has worsened over the years as I have collected hobbies which result in some finished and lovely products but ever shrouded in a mist of perceived failure. Half started projects, books I haven’t finished reading. The chaos of my mind reflected in the bookshelves, in baskets of yarn and tangled silver wire.
My point is, not to sit here and list how crap I am at finishing stuff but to highlight that maybe, if I stopped scrolling and getting distracted by every post I read, I might clear a little bit of time and mental space to actually do some of the things I have already started. I will stop getting blindsided by the ‘ooohs’ and ‘aaahs’ of possible things I could and should be making. If I actually trial a period of time where I am not on social media, how much more at peace would I feel? How much more would I actually do and more importantly, enjoy doing?
I use the excuse that Facebook helps me keep in touch. But actually it seems to do less of that than I would like. I have to keep some sort of presence there if I want to promote the bodywork that I do but as I can’t actually do much of the advanced stuff until I have finished my course modules, then it is currently a bit bloody futile. As is showcasing any of my jewellery or other handmade items. If I never finish any of them I will never have anything to showcase.
The problem is that these platforms have a tendency to perpetuate the highs and lows of your mood. You are only as pretty or popular or funny as your last post that amassed compliments, laughs and likes. Any surreptitious desire to be validated or boosted is either carried high on a wave or sinks well below to the ocean floor, all depending on the algorithms of Facebook and Instagram. Depending on how nice we are feeling at that particular time will account for any snidey and judgey thoughts that rush through our mind when we see what our ‘friends’ or followers are up to. I don’t need anymore fuel to add the already out of control flames that preside in my head. The constant adverts for things I don’t need, when was the last time I used that life-changing back straightener anyway? And those clothes from some far flung child-operated factory are just adding to my carbon/guilt footprint. And I know sunbears need help and that the world is overheating but I don’t actually do anything about it. It all just gets stored in an ever decreasing space in my brain where I can berate myself for not doing more about it all.
I have tried before to remove myself from social media. Vanity, boredom and fear of missing out has always dragged me back in. I am tired of it all though. The repetition is tiresome. Let’s see if I can slow my mental pace down and see what may be achieved with a little more quiet.
justbeinghere 