So so long since I took a walk on my own. So peaceful. Such solitude. Apart from the odd dog walker in the distance I am just enveloped in nature and her beauty.
Deer grunting amongst the trees, the sounds of antlers being rubbed against branches. Wood pigeons and their coos that instantaneously bring Phyllis to my mind. I picture her by me. Sitting in silence. Listening. Soaking it all in as she used to. This too, a favourite past time. As the sun breaks through the dog walkers increase and I am so, so grateful for the 40 minutes I have spent, perched on a dead tree that still teemed with life, energy not lost just muted.
All I can see are trees, I hear the wind as it rustles the leaves and the birds as they call to each other, as they sing their song. Were it not that this was a blessing but the normal. That buildings and towns and cities were few and far between and that the beauty of the seasons and their purity could be felt, seen, breathed in by all.
Gratitude over flowing, of how fucking lucky I am to be able to be here. As painful as these months have been and still are. As I sit with small Chloë and we discuss how good we are for each other but we just need to make a few little tweaks here and there. And how teenage Chloë, who is currently still asleep (it’s Sunday morning after all) needs to rein it in a bit.
I dreamt the night before last that I was trying to drive a car from the passenger side. It reminds me of dreams where I am trying to drive from the rear seat too.. how funny that I didn’t realise just how poignant these dreams were. How symbolic. I have gently prised teenage Chloë’s hands off of the steering while and told her firmly that I now do all the driving.
And so I shall, from Petworth to Worthing, where I shall dig out some paints and get the kids and I to do some art. Mostly for my benefit 😂🍁🍂🐦⬛🌳🌲🍂🍁🙏
And I realise as I continue to soul search (and this soul has been searched, think full body internal, external, pat down secret service style of searched) I realised yesterday as I pounded the beach front – pushing this aging body to its limits – that my constant search for external validation and lack of self belief, self esteem, self validation past a certain point is perhaps, just perhaps, because I don’t fully trust myself to meet the requirements that I search for in others. Just maybe I am frightened of being ghosted. By myself. When I need me most, will I turn away? And that my friends, has been one hell of a humdinger of a realisation.
So I’m writing up contracts to Chloë, the Child, the Teenager, the Adult… we all need to sign (yes I realise I sound slightly psychopathic with my multiple personalities).. from now on……
No letting myself down.
No closing off love for myself.
No standing myself up.
Big love to all x
justbeinghere 