What a change since last October. Jobs started, jobs left, relationships reignited and then completely exploded, children pushing boundaries, (one of which was actually just to be alive), courses finished, houses sold and houses bought. And somehow, my mental health is still intact.
There has been a shift, a re-levelling and I am pushing myself far out of my comfort zone in order to relocate myself and the boys to France. And the French bureaucracy appears to be making that as difficult as possible. Despite my newly found French status, I have no proof and apparently I am ‘too old’ to now legally be French anyway. How rude. But I am still doggedly putting one foot in the front of the other and trying to make it happen as easily as possible.
The shift in me has been illuminating but also quite hard to swallow. Like a very bitter pill. I have realised that I am not a good person to be in a relationship with. As a mother I can behave still, too childlike, too emotionally immature and as a partner, I have become almost too hard as a result of self protection and vulnerability. Looking at how I am viewed by three significant exes I have realised that I simply hurt people and I think the only result I can glean from that, is to remain single. I am ok with this. Not that I have hurt anyone but that for self preservation and that of others… I should simply stay with myself by myself.. in a French house, surrounded by animals and trees… and try and live as peacefully as possible. Maybe my view will change but since my last relationship breakdown, I can only feel an innate sadness at where I am standing today as a result of issues with communication and compatibility and an inherent issue with pushing those away that love me.
Slowly I am stepping back. Witnessing as I make mistakes in my every day language towards myself and the part I play as a mother. Putting too much reliance on the children to be part of my adult world. My son’s foray in to the world of ‘partying’ that was almost life-stopping and realising that this was attributed to by behaviours between his father and myself. My need to be validated by my children comes from a painful, burning knowledge that Phillip Larkin was right. And the worse thing is that the more I want to rectify it, the more pressure I am putting on them and myself to validate my worth.
This is a painful admission. And I am not sure I can make up for what I cannot undo. But as this shift continues I think hard about what my children want from me. What do they really need?
They need calm. They need honesty but not to their detriment. They need solidity. And how can one give that when you didn’t experience that yourself growing up?
For now I am just trying to be present in my language and behaviour. Slowing it all down. Breathing when I feel the grabby little fingers of anxiety flexing and stretching and learning to look within at my actions.
It appears it is time for Chloe to finally grow up.