I would like to say I have ‘bossed’ today. What started out at a slightly tortoise-esque pace suddenly turned in to a mad hatter of a dash and I can quite proudly say that at one point I was talking on the phone, preparing a roast, loading a car, answering texts, ordering items on Amazon for persistent buggery children and trying to navigate logistics with an ex while clenching heart firmly closed with an iron fist.
It’s a really weird feeling when you feel like you have tipped over into hyper mood – stomach flips, heart pounds and you are desperately using this heady mix of anxiety/excitement to get lots of shit done.. because let’s face it.. when will you have the oomph to do a zillion things simultaneously again? Could be days but most likely weeks if not months. Yet, you fear the come down. The problem with me and no doubt countless others, is that on one hand you welcome this amphetamine-like feeling but there is a taint of madness attached to it. Speech becomes faster and I am bouncy. I am loud. The kids vacillate between laughing and backing away nervously. I often feel like bursting into tears as a way for the pressure building up to escape.. because I know I sound unhinged. I know that where there is an up, there will surely be a down.
It’s interesting really.. the cyclical nature of it all. I started the New Year being ever so good.. in fact I ended 2022 being good. No going out partying for me.. tucked up in bed at midnight with a camomile tea.. I did yoga daily for a week, no alcohol, eating well, sleeping well, applying face creams and toners and all things nourishing, day and night.. I practically floated like a well practised levitating angel. And then I gave up. I simply cannot cope with a daily routine that requires effort. Despite the fact that I feel better.
The reality is that those pesky neural pathways simply haven’t got used to this healthier way of life yet. It is much easier to fall back into a muted state of chaos.
I am trying not to inflict too much mental self-flagellation – I know that small steps are better than none at all. And today some Big Shit has been achieved.. by my son and myself. Not the cats.
justbeinghere 